5- Curing two itches - The story behind the safety shot
New years day had already seen a flurry of activity with 4 impressively violent toilet breaks before midday. The day, however, was not
over yet.
Whilst walking round Bristol
city centre shaking off the previous nights hangover we stopped at a Weatherspoons for afternoon tea. I faced a tricky dilemma: I quite fancied a
nice real ale but was also gasping for a cup of tea. Why not have both? This
idea was lauded as 'genius' and 'brilliant' by some whilst others called me a
'fucking idiot'.
The plan was a great success: two cravings had been satisfied
and I felt like a cat rubbing against it's favourite scratching post. I then
tried an even more genius plan of mixing the last of my beer with the last of
my tea. This was delicious. However, as
I stared at the remains of the cocktail, I suddenly thought "this is curdling
in my stomach", down the hatch it went.
Waiting at the bus stop with mild stomach cramps, I let out
a large bum sneeze which could be smelled, even outdoors. I maintained a
positive, fun, jokey exterior whilst on the inside I was battling with a horrible
feeling that there was a good chance I'd shat myself. The moistness of the fart
was severe. To add insult to injury I was wearing white boxers which would not
cover up any blemishes or residue.
We returned to the house and I was desperate to pee, as I
stood at the toilet on the verge of relieving another stomach cramp, I had
flashbacks to the near miss experienced at the bus stop. Sensibly I sat down just in time.
To use a snooker analogy: I played a magnificent safety shot with the white narrowly clearing the brown.
Funny stuff. I don't play snooker, but I appreciate the analogy. I still don't appreciate Brits desire for tea, and I can't imagine mixing tea with beer, but to each his own. Keep up the good work!
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