In another case of people not checking my outlook calendar,
I was scheduled to be in a meeting with the CEO from 10:00 - 11:00. Despite
this annoying me somewhat, I felt that I couldn't decline the meeting due to me
liking to take a dump 10:30-10:45 as this could impact negatively on my already
very shaky job security. Selflessly I decided that I would poo another time.
At 10am everything was feeling steady in the lower regions
of my digestive system so off to the meeting I went. First things first, a cup
of tea. It soon became apparent that this was a major error. By 10:15 I had
finished my cup of tea and shortly after 10:20 the caffeine had started working
it's magic on my bowels. Organisational quality audits aren't the most riveting
meeting topics at the best of times let alone when I'm having contractions
every 2 minutes and I'm severely dilated.
The meeting seemed to be drawing to a close so a toilet
break was out of the question. My stomach churned once more, an air bubble
appeared to drop down ' I could relieve some pressure here' I thought to
myself. I immediately decided this would be a bad idea but my bowels thought
otherwise and was trying to force it out, I clenched at the last moment forcing
it back up but the tiniest of farts slipped out 'it's ok' I thought 'it was
just a pinch, it will be unnoticeable'
Ten seconds later it was very noticeable, not particularly
foul but it was obvious someone had farted. In a meeting consisting of just 2
people (one of which is me) this was awkward, I glanced desperately around
hoping there was a dog I could blame it on but there wasn't and the meeting
continued awkwardly. "You'll need the investors in people report as
evidence for this section" she said. Investors in people?!? I don't see
how any organisation which schedules meetings across my toilet break is
deserving of an investors in people award, perhaps if I contact them and tell
them I had to push my bowel movement back to 11:00 they might revoke the award.
As I pulled out my phone to put the date of the next meeting
in my calendar I noticed my brother had text me a rather amusing description of
his bowel movements. This was intended to be a humours text but was instead
just a cruel reminder that I wasn't on my throne. I was reasonably certain that
he was still seated and taking part in his morning ritual and this hurt me
emotionally. It's not enough that he has a better job and a better car than me
but he also has a much more relaxed sphincter.
Thankfully the meeting finished 15 minutes early. I entered
defcon 5 and headed to the toilet at speed. I passed a colleague on the stairs
who stopped to talk, thankfully I knew them well enough to be able to shout
"can't stop, I'm crowning". Luck was on my side as I arrived at the
toilet, the phantom seat warmer was no where to be seen. Usual procedures were
bypassed, the door wasn't locked (that could wait), pants removed at speed
instead of the usual leisurely fashion and my phone remained in my pocket. Within
a fraction of a second of touching down I had opened fire, giving it everything
I could, I had gone through an entire box of ammo in 10 seconds, it looked like
there had been a massacre. With that over I sat back in what felt like a
post-orgasmic state, flicked the lock on the door fought the urge to drift off
to sleep. My work here was done.
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