13) Give it 5.

I was a victim of  a horrible incident in the work place today. As per any other day, I was two cups of tea down and it was 10:30, which can only mean one thing: toilet time. This is a time of day I have come to enjoy very much, a break from work to read a book, do a Sudoku or just catch up with the news on my phone.

Where I work there is a single gents cubicle and today it was occupied... at 10:30! That's my time! Do people not check my outlook calendar? This, however, is not an unusual event. The felon in question seems to be on the same cycle as me, our periods have synced. Even when I've pre-empted him and gone earlier he is there, always 5 minutes before me. However, today was a particularly urgent day. I simply couldn't afford to do some more work and check back in 20 minutes. I took cover in a meeting room, making a half arsed attempt to look busy by setting up a laptop, whilst constantly maintaining visual contact with the toilet door.

Many minutes later, with the meeting room full with a thick layer of odorous gas, the toilet was empty. I pounced. One of the greatest things about my toilet break is removing my pants and freeing my derrière from the confines of clothing into the comparatively cool, fresh air. As I place myself onto the cold, refreshing toilet seat, it ceases to exist as a toilet: it becomes a throne fit for any king. The stresses of the days work vanish, there is no world beyond the four walls of the cubicle, for a few minutes everyday the cooling sensation of the toilet seat gives me a glimpse into what heaven is like and makes me want to be a better person. Today, this simple pleasure was ruined, today the seat was warm. I was uneasy, I couldn't focus, I couldn't enjoy my daily ritual knowing that I was essentially rubbing butts with my co-worker. The toilet is my one true love and today it had been with another man, I was devastated.

Today was a get in, get out, job done, back to work day, a day where no Sudoku was solved, no news checked, no pages turned. If you, like me, have a ritual, remember to leave it 5, let the seat cool down.