100) Century

Saturday 21st March 2015 was a hotly anticipated day for the last week. My regularity this month has allowed me to accurately predict when my 100th poo of the year was going to be.

I awoke after a long sleep and carried out my usual routine of staying in bed for most of Saturday morning watching TV. My show of choice is currently 'house' a programme I've been meaning to watch for some time. I sat in bed with a cup of tea and some toast and mid-morning the urge struck. I debated putting on my finest suit to walk to the toilet but decided on some tatty joggers.

The movement itself was extremely un-noteworthy just a bog-standard Saturday morning poo, no urgency, no pain, no great size, not liquid and even the wipeage required was very average. This disappointed me greatly. How could a landmark dump disappoint me so much. Instead I decided to make a memorial video to mark the occasion.

98) The benefits of being disabled.

A much needed day of annual leave caused disruption to the germanic efficiency of my bowel movements. A late morning combined with minimal caffeine meant that I missed my usual 10:30 slot. However, due to not being at work, this did not cause much heartache.

An afternoon of shopping with the other half was on the cards, which was made worse by the fact that the Hawkins bazar had closed down leaving me with nothing in the town. Around 3pm we sat down in Costa for a midshop break and I had a cup of tea which kickstarted the final stages of my digestive system. Approximately 20 mins later I had a delightful urge to take a relaxing dump in house of fraser. I jumped at the opportunity to get away from the onslaught of "this is nice" "does this suit me?" "Ooo what about this one?" and I scurried off to find some toilets. 

I found the rest rooms and had a choice between the gents and the disabled toilet. Naturally I choose the disabled toilet for a number of reasons, not least the fact that i felt that the mother-load I was about to drop would leave me at the very least walking with a limp but could also potentially leave me requiring a wheelchair.

My second reason for choosing the disabled toilets is that they have a handrail next to the toilet. Now the primary  purpose of these handrails is to aid mobility and help those with difficulty to get off the toilet. The secondary purpose (and the one i find most useful) is that it helps you push a particularly difficult movement out. Much like a woman holding their husbands hand during labour, you can grasp the rail and push with all your might.

The final reason behind choosing the disabled loo is that you get an entire room to yourself and can truly relax without having to listen to the sound of someone doing an extremely squelchy dump  less than 3ft away from you.

I emerged from the toilet about 10 minutes later having made a century break on pro snooker 2015 and also making a different type of break on my ring piece . The guy behind the till who saw me going in to the toilets gave me a look that suggested he knew what I'd been doing (maybe I'm being paranoid) but I was not ashamed. I walked with a stride of pride back down to the women's wear. I felt light like I was walking on air.

And the answer to how long does it take a woman to try on a single dress? Well I wrote 90% of the above post on my phone outside a changing room.

76) February round-up

February was a flurry of activity and despite having three less days in the month February still managed to produce the same amount of poos as January and even more impressive feat considering January included the infamously horrific new years day.

Drinking on the night of January 31st meant that the 1st of the month was a double day. Additionally on the Wednesday 4th I was in charge of a big audit which would enable us to get some fancy certification. Given the sheer amount of work which still needed to be done, I admit that the first 3 days of the week I had a nervous bowel. This led to a further 3 days of double dumping and in total I scored 2, four times in a row. Things settled down following the inspection and I began to find my rhythm again, although I was a lot more inconsistent than I was in January; ideally I would like to run with the same efficiency as the German train system.

My most consistent spell came between the 13th and the 22nd where  I had one a day on all days barring the 18th where I scored a double. Since the 23rd I have alternated between ones and twos

During the month of February there was two significant milestones. The first milestone was poop number 50 which occurred on foreign soil following a weekend of drinking and excessively deep fried food in glasgow. The second occurred on the 23rd when I was able to do number 69 of the year, it is with deep regret that I was not able to constipate myself for the remainder of the year.

The average for February was 1.36 PPD (poos per day) up 1.23PPD from January. For those interested in running a sweepstake my projected total is 470.1695 for the year. I assume the 0.1695 will be when I inevitably follow through one day.



Did you know? 
Despite having three less days in the month February had the same number of poos in it as January with both months scoring 38.

Did you know? (2) 
Nobody has yet to donate money to my google developers account so that I can publish my app.

66) Newtons Third Law

When hungover, my bowels will often go through what has become known in my family as the SPL stages. It's the same phases my dad goes through before he does a race. SPl stands for solid, paste, liquid, I assume no further information is required.

I awoke Saturday morning after a heavy night out the previous night with a splitting headache, bad stomach and a horrible feeling that I'd made a massive tit out of myself in front of my workmates. After slowly getting my head around which planet I was on and why I was feeling so terrible; I got up to relieve some pressure on my stomach. This turned out to be a very hefty load and was a sure sign that I was going down the SPL route. I returned to my bed to nurse my delicate head.

A few hours later I was up and making a morning cup of tea when my parents arrived home from sainsburys and unloaded the contents of the boot into the living room. I was asked to move the shopping through to the kitchen and I foolishly agreed. As I approached the overloaded bags for life I was reminded of my overloaded bowels. I bent down to pick them up and as I lifted I was reminded of Newton's third law, "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". I let out a very loud, very moist fart and very quickly had to recall what I had learnt in my driving lessons and carry out an emergency stop. I placed the bags back down and casually strolled up to the bathroom where I carried out phase P. For those who are unsure what the paste stage is see number 5/6 on the Bristol stool chart.

My hangover disappeared by midday and in an odd turn of events my bowel movements stopped and I didn't complete the SPL sequence. Just the two for the day which is extremely impressive considering my other reactions to drinks (see new years day!) . I was well aware that that I was in the mid to late 60s in total for the year so I will be keeping an eye out for my 69th poo and when that happens I will seek to make myself constipated until 1 Jan 2016.

In other news I have finished developing a Tales From The Rim app. It's the next flappy bird, truly awesome but when I tried to upload it to google play store it turns out I need to pay £16 to activate a developer account which sucks. If anyone wants to play the game give me £16 (or a portion of that amount). 

50) Half Century

I travelled the short journey north of the border to England's garden shed, Scotland, for a weekend of hardcore banter, drink and adventure in Glasgow. We consumed a decent amount of alcohol the first night and the takeaway of choice was curry. Although the following morning I was still a 4 on the Bristol stool chart, we were all producing foul aromas due to the spicy food. In fact all 5 of the people with me would be worthy guest bloggers.  Upon re-entering the living room where we had all slept, there was an extremely noticeable, repulsive change of smell which I for one was very proud of. Never the less we opened a window to air out the room. Having smelt Glasgow central station I assumed that the smells erupting from the flat would improve the smell of the city.

As the day went on, many beers and Scottish food were piled into my stomach, the killer however came later that night when it was decided that we had to sample the famous pizza crunch (this is pizza dipped in batter and deep fried) so we ordered half a pizza crunch and a deep fried Mars bar each. I enjoyed both. The pizza was good but it didn't improve on the original concept of pizza and it also doubled my cholesterol in one portion, the Mars bar was delicious. Although tasty, finishing the pizza crunch was hard work and we all felt that we had done something terrible to our insides.

The next morning I awoke before everyone  else and decided to go for a morning movement, a combination of excessive drinking and too much stodgy, greasy food made this an interesting episode. I completed the first stage of this movement with ease however I had horrible stomach cramps and as I went to stand up I knew it wasn't over yet, I settled in and just waited for the next wave to come. Wave after wave after wave came as I sat patiently regretting my decision to leave the phone by my sleeping bag. Eventually I was finished and returned to my makeshift bed. When vomiting you go through a phase where you feel absolutely great and the world could not be a better place, this is how my stomach and ring piece felt after this ferocious event. It wasn't until I consulted my chart when I got home that I realised that this was my 50th of the year, I was pleased that the occasion was marked by a memorable episode and would be memorable, I was however disappointed that I was not able to mark this milestone with a ceremony at the time.

The toilet in this flat is one that is designed for fat people as the water is further forward than a regular toilet. This means that when a regular sized person uses it, the rear toilet wall acts as a slide for your wee jobbies, it literally becomes a log flume, however in some cases it is more of a shelf. In my case the flush took care of it with ease but I have it on good authority that my friends was a bit more of a paste than mine and took several flushes to remove from the rear wall. For once it was not me who left the bathroom resembling a bombsite.

As my weekend drew to a close I have a few points I want to relay to the Scottish people

1) frying/deepfrying is not the only way to cook things

2) I will not pay for a 5p carrier bag. I cradled my beers home like a baby and as I dropped one and watched it fall in slow motion, the lack of carrier bag was almost responsible for another bowel movement right there in the street. Thankfully the bottle bounced and remained in once piece.

3) Your supermarkets stop serving alcohol at 10pm. This resulted in me buying more beers than I needed and therefore I drank more than I needed to which inevitably contributed to my excessive wind. 

Twitter

I had nothing better to do on my day off so here is a TalesFromTheRim twitter account.

Give it a follow to receive live dump news.

https://twitter.com/Talesfromtherim

January Month End

January ended in complete contrast to how it started. Whilst new years day saw a flurry of activity and an impressive 5 wicket haul, the 31st saw me gone for a duck with a big fat zero. Although this suggests erratic and inconsistent movements, the truth was much different. After returning to work on the 4th I soon re-found my pre Christmas form and had 1 a day for 12 out of the following 14 days including 9 back to back single dump days. Over all there were 21 singles in the 31 day period the majority of which I reckon occurred between 9:30 and 11:30am. Only 3 days resulted in a zero although these were always followed by a double the following day.

My total for the month was 38, eliminating new years day as an anomaly that leaves my average at 1.1 poos per day. February has started with back to back 2s and with a drinking weekend in Glasgow on the cards (and the dreaded Scottish cuisine) it could be a high month. Expect similar figures to January despite having 3 less days in the month.