I travelled the short journey north of the border to England 's garden shed, Scotland , for a weekend of hardcore banter,
drink and adventure in Glasgow .
We consumed a decent amount of alcohol the first night and the takeaway of
choice was curry. Although the following morning I was still a 4 on the Bristol stool chart, we
were all producing foul aromas due to the spicy food. In fact all 5 of the
people with me would be worthy guest bloggers.
Upon re-entering the living room where we had all slept, there was an
extremely noticeable, repulsive change of smell which I for one was very proud
of. Never the less we opened a window to air out the room. Having smelt Glasgow central station I
assumed that the smells erupting from the flat would improve the smell of the
city.
As the day went on, many beers and Scottish food were piled
into my stomach, the killer however came later that night when it was decided
that we had to sample the famous pizza crunch (this is pizza dipped in batter
and deep fried) so we ordered half a pizza crunch and a deep fried Mars bar
each. I enjoyed both. The pizza was good but it didn't improve on the original
concept of pizza and it also doubled my cholesterol in one portion, the Mars
bar was delicious. Although tasty, finishing the pizza crunch was hard work and
we all felt that we had done something terrible to our insides.
The next morning I awoke before everyone else and decided to go for a morning
movement, a combination of excessive drinking and too much stodgy, greasy food made
this an interesting episode. I completed the first stage of this movement with
ease however I had horrible stomach cramps and as I went to stand up I knew it
wasn't over yet, I settled in and just waited for the next wave to come. Wave
after wave after wave came as I sat patiently regretting my decision to leave
the phone by my sleeping bag. Eventually I was finished and returned to my
makeshift bed. When vomiting you go through a phase where you feel absolutely
great and the world could not be a better place, this is how my stomach and
ring piece felt after this ferocious event. It wasn't until I consulted my
chart when I got home that I realised that this was my 50th of the year, I was
pleased that the occasion was marked by a memorable episode and would be
memorable, I was however disappointed that I was not able to mark this
milestone with a ceremony at the time.
The toilet in this flat is one that is designed for fat
people as the water is further forward than a regular toilet. This means that
when a regular sized person uses it, the rear toilet wall acts as a slide for
your wee jobbies, it literally becomes a log flume, however in some cases it is
more of a shelf. In my case the flush took care of it with ease but I have it
on good authority that my friends was a bit more of a paste than mine and took
several flushes to remove from the rear wall. For once it was not me who left
the bathroom resembling a bombsite.
As my weekend drew to a close I have a few points I want to
relay to the Scottish people
1) frying/deepfrying is not the only way to cook things
2) I will not pay for a 5p carrier bag. I cradled my beers
home like a baby and as I dropped one and watched it fall in slow motion, the
lack of carrier bag was almost responsible for another bowel movement right
there in the street. Thankfully the bottle bounced and remained in once piece.
3) Your supermarkets stop serving alcohol at 10pm. This
resulted in me buying more beers than I needed and therefore I drank more than
I needed to which inevitably contributed to my excessive wind.
Grammar!!!
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