66) Newtons Third Law

When hungover, my bowels will often go through what has become known in my family as the SPL stages. It's the same phases my dad goes through before he does a race. SPl stands for solid, paste, liquid, I assume no further information is required.

I awoke Saturday morning after a heavy night out the previous night with a splitting headache, bad stomach and a horrible feeling that I'd made a massive tit out of myself in front of my workmates. After slowly getting my head around which planet I was on and why I was feeling so terrible; I got up to relieve some pressure on my stomach. This turned out to be a very hefty load and was a sure sign that I was going down the SPL route. I returned to my bed to nurse my delicate head.

A few hours later I was up and making a morning cup of tea when my parents arrived home from sainsburys and unloaded the contents of the boot into the living room. I was asked to move the shopping through to the kitchen and I foolishly agreed. As I approached the overloaded bags for life I was reminded of my overloaded bowels. I bent down to pick them up and as I lifted I was reminded of Newton's third law, "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". I let out a very loud, very moist fart and very quickly had to recall what I had learnt in my driving lessons and carry out an emergency stop. I placed the bags back down and casually strolled up to the bathroom where I carried out phase P. For those who are unsure what the paste stage is see number 5/6 on the Bristol stool chart.

My hangover disappeared by midday and in an odd turn of events my bowel movements stopped and I didn't complete the SPL sequence. Just the two for the day which is extremely impressive considering my other reactions to drinks (see new years day!) . I was well aware that that I was in the mid to late 60s in total for the year so I will be keeping an eye out for my 69th poo and when that happens I will seek to make myself constipated until 1 Jan 2016.

In other news I have finished developing a Tales From The Rim app. It's the next flappy bird, truly awesome but when I tried to upload it to google play store it turns out I need to pay £16 to activate a developer account which sucks. If anyone wants to play the game give me £16 (or a portion of that amount). 

50) Half Century

I travelled the short journey north of the border to England's garden shed, Scotland, for a weekend of hardcore banter, drink and adventure in Glasgow. We consumed a decent amount of alcohol the first night and the takeaway of choice was curry. Although the following morning I was still a 4 on the Bristol stool chart, we were all producing foul aromas due to the spicy food. In fact all 5 of the people with me would be worthy guest bloggers.  Upon re-entering the living room where we had all slept, there was an extremely noticeable, repulsive change of smell which I for one was very proud of. Never the less we opened a window to air out the room. Having smelt Glasgow central station I assumed that the smells erupting from the flat would improve the smell of the city.

As the day went on, many beers and Scottish food were piled into my stomach, the killer however came later that night when it was decided that we had to sample the famous pizza crunch (this is pizza dipped in batter and deep fried) so we ordered half a pizza crunch and a deep fried Mars bar each. I enjoyed both. The pizza was good but it didn't improve on the original concept of pizza and it also doubled my cholesterol in one portion, the Mars bar was delicious. Although tasty, finishing the pizza crunch was hard work and we all felt that we had done something terrible to our insides.

The next morning I awoke before everyone  else and decided to go for a morning movement, a combination of excessive drinking and too much stodgy, greasy food made this an interesting episode. I completed the first stage of this movement with ease however I had horrible stomach cramps and as I went to stand up I knew it wasn't over yet, I settled in and just waited for the next wave to come. Wave after wave after wave came as I sat patiently regretting my decision to leave the phone by my sleeping bag. Eventually I was finished and returned to my makeshift bed. When vomiting you go through a phase where you feel absolutely great and the world could not be a better place, this is how my stomach and ring piece felt after this ferocious event. It wasn't until I consulted my chart when I got home that I realised that this was my 50th of the year, I was pleased that the occasion was marked by a memorable episode and would be memorable, I was however disappointed that I was not able to mark this milestone with a ceremony at the time.

The toilet in this flat is one that is designed for fat people as the water is further forward than a regular toilet. This means that when a regular sized person uses it, the rear toilet wall acts as a slide for your wee jobbies, it literally becomes a log flume, however in some cases it is more of a shelf. In my case the flush took care of it with ease but I have it on good authority that my friends was a bit more of a paste than mine and took several flushes to remove from the rear wall. For once it was not me who left the bathroom resembling a bombsite.

As my weekend drew to a close I have a few points I want to relay to the Scottish people

1) frying/deepfrying is not the only way to cook things

2) I will not pay for a 5p carrier bag. I cradled my beers home like a baby and as I dropped one and watched it fall in slow motion, the lack of carrier bag was almost responsible for another bowel movement right there in the street. Thankfully the bottle bounced and remained in once piece.

3) Your supermarkets stop serving alcohol at 10pm. This resulted in me buying more beers than I needed and therefore I drank more than I needed to which inevitably contributed to my excessive wind. 

Twitter

I had nothing better to do on my day off so here is a TalesFromTheRim twitter account.

Give it a follow to receive live dump news.

https://twitter.com/Talesfromtherim

January Month End

January ended in complete contrast to how it started. Whilst new years day saw a flurry of activity and an impressive 5 wicket haul, the 31st saw me gone for a duck with a big fat zero. Although this suggests erratic and inconsistent movements, the truth was much different. After returning to work on the 4th I soon re-found my pre Christmas form and had 1 a day for 12 out of the following 14 days including 9 back to back single dump days. Over all there were 21 singles in the 31 day period the majority of which I reckon occurred between 9:30 and 11:30am. Only 3 days resulted in a zero although these were always followed by a double the following day.

My total for the month was 38, eliminating new years day as an anomaly that leaves my average at 1.1 poos per day. February has started with back to back 2s and with a drinking weekend in Glasgow on the cards (and the dreaded Scottish cuisine) it could be a high month. Expect similar figures to January despite having 3 less days in the month.