It's been 4 weeks since I bid an emotional farewell to my old workplace latrine and whilst I am over the worst of the pain, I have yet to find a suitable replacement. Put a dog in an unfamiliar environment and it will sniff around curiously before settling down in it's new spot. I am still sniffing around.
The first week of my new job saw me go down to the main office which meant staying overnight for 3 nights in a hotel. Unsure what the days would hold in store for me I made sure, on my first two days, to go before I left the hotel room. In a world of uncertainty I wanted one assurance, that I could go in peace. The toilets in a premier inn act as a log flume and as a result of this, combined with first week nerves, meant that the Eastern European cleaners had a real job on their hands to remove the pebble dashing effect I had left behind. They sure earned their £1.50 per hour that day.
Day three saw me shadowing a member of my team at a client. It was an early start and I awoke long before my bowels did. I knew I was going to have to go at the clients site. My main issue is that in my first week I don't want to be "the guy who goes for a shit", that is an aspect of my personality that needs to be slowly introduced to people. I had no reason to leave the room we were in other than to go to the toilet, if I was a long time he'd know where I was. Never the less I upped and left the room at around 11, dashed to the toilet, got in and got out as quickly as possible, no messing around on my phone, no chilling. Upon returning to the room I was quick to cover my tracks "god this place is like a little rabbit warren, I walked right past the toilets". This would reasonably explain the extra time and to my colleague there would be no suspicion. I was extremely proud of myself.
Week 2 rolled round. I had returned home but I was ready for my second first week. My new role sees me based almost entirely on site with a client rather than at the head office so this felt more like my first week than my actual first week. This is where I would need to find a new throne. I had a tour of the building and decided to check out the toilets, I didnt need to go but a quick inspection wouldn't hurt. The ground floor mens toilet has two very nice cubicles, however, there is a lot more men working in this building compared to my old job and therefore there is a lot more traffic. I have chosen my favourite cubicle but I cant switch off in there, there's two much traffic and I don't feel like I can disconnect from the workplace.
The major issue with too much traffic is that inevitably someone else will need to go. To me, it will remain one of life's great mysteries that whenever I've been in a cubicle next to someone else, you can guarantee that they will have a case of the squits. Today I was the victim of one of these incidents. I was sat, slowly unloading whilst checking facebook, nice and relaxed. Then a horrible squelching sound comes echoing through the cubicle walls, I turned my head in disgust at the wall. The look on my face would be the same look you'd get for doing a loud fart in a library, or laughing at a funeral. What's worse is that these people aren't even self-concious of the sounds they are making as it is quite often followed by "OOOOOH GOD YEAH" before grunting and squelching some more.
I frequent my new toilet throughout the day for number 1 purposes. When I go in, my preferred cubicle is often in use by someone, I have to stand at the urinal whilst someone else commits and abhorrent act upon my throne. My old workplace toilet...I knew she spent time with other men but she never rubbed my face in it, I could pretend it didnt happen, it was all mine. I cant avoid it with my new one she just stands there and takes it like the slut it is.
I'm still searching for a special place, the right place. The ground floor one doesn't seem to be working out for me, a wider search of the building may be in order. If the worst comes to the worse my old work is only 5 mins down the road, would they miss me for 20mins? I could be reunited with my old love.
