100) Century

Saturday 21st March 2015 was a hotly anticipated day for the last week. My regularity this month has allowed me to accurately predict when my 100th poo of the year was going to be.

I awoke after a long sleep and carried out my usual routine of staying in bed for most of Saturday morning watching TV. My show of choice is currently 'house' a programme I've been meaning to watch for some time. I sat in bed with a cup of tea and some toast and mid-morning the urge struck. I debated putting on my finest suit to walk to the toilet but decided on some tatty joggers.

The movement itself was extremely un-noteworthy just a bog-standard Saturday morning poo, no urgency, no pain, no great size, not liquid and even the wipeage required was very average. This disappointed me greatly. How could a landmark dump disappoint me so much. Instead I decided to make a memorial video to mark the occasion.

98) The benefits of being disabled.

A much needed day of annual leave caused disruption to the germanic efficiency of my bowel movements. A late morning combined with minimal caffeine meant that I missed my usual 10:30 slot. However, due to not being at work, this did not cause much heartache.

An afternoon of shopping with the other half was on the cards, which was made worse by the fact that the Hawkins bazar had closed down leaving me with nothing in the town. Around 3pm we sat down in Costa for a midshop break and I had a cup of tea which kickstarted the final stages of my digestive system. Approximately 20 mins later I had a delightful urge to take a relaxing dump in house of fraser. I jumped at the opportunity to get away from the onslaught of "this is nice" "does this suit me?" "Ooo what about this one?" and I scurried off to find some toilets. 

I found the rest rooms and had a choice between the gents and the disabled toilet. Naturally I choose the disabled toilet for a number of reasons, not least the fact that i felt that the mother-load I was about to drop would leave me at the very least walking with a limp but could also potentially leave me requiring a wheelchair.

My second reason for choosing the disabled toilets is that they have a handrail next to the toilet. Now the primary  purpose of these handrails is to aid mobility and help those with difficulty to get off the toilet. The secondary purpose (and the one i find most useful) is that it helps you push a particularly difficult movement out. Much like a woman holding their husbands hand during labour, you can grasp the rail and push with all your might.

The final reason behind choosing the disabled loo is that you get an entire room to yourself and can truly relax without having to listen to the sound of someone doing an extremely squelchy dump  less than 3ft away from you.

I emerged from the toilet about 10 minutes later having made a century break on pro snooker 2015 and also making a different type of break on my ring piece . The guy behind the till who saw me going in to the toilets gave me a look that suggested he knew what I'd been doing (maybe I'm being paranoid) but I was not ashamed. I walked with a stride of pride back down to the women's wear. I felt light like I was walking on air.

And the answer to how long does it take a woman to try on a single dress? Well I wrote 90% of the above post on my phone outside a changing room.

76) February round-up

February was a flurry of activity and despite having three less days in the month February still managed to produce the same amount of poos as January and even more impressive feat considering January included the infamously horrific new years day.

Drinking on the night of January 31st meant that the 1st of the month was a double day. Additionally on the Wednesday 4th I was in charge of a big audit which would enable us to get some fancy certification. Given the sheer amount of work which still needed to be done, I admit that the first 3 days of the week I had a nervous bowel. This led to a further 3 days of double dumping and in total I scored 2, four times in a row. Things settled down following the inspection and I began to find my rhythm again, although I was a lot more inconsistent than I was in January; ideally I would like to run with the same efficiency as the German train system.

My most consistent spell came between the 13th and the 22nd where  I had one a day on all days barring the 18th where I scored a double. Since the 23rd I have alternated between ones and twos

During the month of February there was two significant milestones. The first milestone was poop number 50 which occurred on foreign soil following a weekend of drinking and excessively deep fried food in glasgow. The second occurred on the 23rd when I was able to do number 69 of the year, it is with deep regret that I was not able to constipate myself for the remainder of the year.

The average for February was 1.36 PPD (poos per day) up 1.23PPD from January. For those interested in running a sweepstake my projected total is 470.1695 for the year. I assume the 0.1695 will be when I inevitably follow through one day.



Did you know? 
Despite having three less days in the month February had the same number of poos in it as January with both months scoring 38.

Did you know? (2) 
Nobody has yet to donate money to my google developers account so that I can publish my app.