152) Aprils Round Up

When I started this blog I was still living with my parents and working in a deadend job. Now I have my own place and landed myself a decent graduate job. As I left the interview centre on 30th April I thought to myself "I've done it, I have my own place and a half decent career path, I'm a grown up" This thought was quickly brushed aside by the realisation that it was the end of the month and I would need to tally up my turds for the month. Don't worry people I'm not ready to grow up yet, I may now discuss gardening tips with family friends, I may discuss tips for the perfect meatball sauce with the ladies at work but I still have a very large place in my heart for my bowel movements.

April was a big month with 41 poos over the 30 day period which is an average of 1.36PPD - the highest of every month. The consistency of March was a massive contrast to the erratic month of April. Where March saw an 8 & a 7 day streak of singles, Aprils best was 3 single poo days in a row. Additionally, on two occassions in April I hit a total of 3 poos in a day. I recall feeling unwell between the 20th and the 22nd and this was reflected in my bowel movements and I notched up 2-3-2 over the 3 days.

This month contained a lot of birthdays (mine included), the first month living in my own house (and thus being able to walk to the pub) and an interview process so it is not surprising that I have been inconsistent and frequent. Here's hoping normal service is resumed in May.


Did you know? 
Despite having a job interview and a history of a nervous stomach I only defecated once on April 30th.

155) Start as you mean to go on.

I have recently applied for and been interviewed for a new job. The most recent round was little over a week ago. Suffice to say I was extremely nervous beforehand. I caught the early train and the nerves began to kick in, the blender in my bowels was in full swing. At Preston station I made straight for the toilets and unleashed an Armageddon. It was extremely satisfying and stress relieving but that is not the main focus of this post, more a small anecdote to start the day.

Tuesday morning back at the office and I was cracking on with a mundane spreadsheet that had been waiting for me following the bank holiday weekend. I noticed a missed call and a voice mail, it was the recruitment team wanting to discuss my interview. Unable to focus on my work I went to ring them back, I couldn't find anywhere discrete to make the call - I was very keen not to let anyone at work know I'd applied for a job until I'd got it. After a quick wander round the building to try and find somewhere quiet, I abandoned the idea of calling them back and decided to go for a belated morning dump. After dropping the kids off at the pool, I was well into my post-movement browsing when I suddenly realised this was the perfect place. It was quiet, there was good signal and if it was good news I could share it with my one true love, my porcelain princess.

"......and so on that basis we'd like to offer you the job", relief came over me and I suddenly zoned back into the room to realise I was talking to my future employer with an unwiped arse and my pants wrapped round my ankles. They were non the wiser. As the phone call drew to a close I suddenly realised that I would have to say goodbye to a lot of friends but worst of all I would have to say goodbye to the toilet. This toilet is the best toilet I have ever known, it's not a cubicle, it is it's own room nestled away in the building. The low ratio of men to women mean that it is barely used other than by me. The toilet at my new place of work will have a lot to live up to. The salary of my new job will be much higher but it will be hollow and meaningless if the toilet is not up to scratch. Here's hoping.

111) March Month End

Due to moving house the March update is coming a little later than usual. Moving house can be full tricky and annoying situations especially where half your stuff is at your new house and the other half is still at your parents house. For just over a week my poo chart was on the fridge at my parents house whilst I was laying cables at the new abode. I struggled through, marking off a couple of days at a time when I went to collect stuff out of my old room.

March was a very consistent month, my most consistent this year. Averaging 1.12 PPD (poos per day) I hit one a day on a consistent basis for most of the month. As with the previous two months I started the month off with a multipoo day by registering a double on the scoreboard. Out of the next 16 days, 15 were single poo days. In total only 6 out the 31 days were anything other than single poo days and only a single 0 was recorded. As stated March was a month of incredible consistency getting tantalisingly close to the holy grail which is the average of 1PPD. However despite regularly going once a day I noticed that the timings have lost their predictability, I rarely go at 10:30 any more, sometimes I am forced to go before work which I find deeply upsetting, although I feel this gives me justification to turn up 10mins late to work.


An update on the app, I think I will be getting a developer account soon so the app will be available to all android users (get bent apple). Additionally I have started work on a new app which will help you to calculate how much you earn by pooing at work.

111) Trauma

I am currently in the process of moving house and for my 110th poo of the year I christened the new toilet. I had anticipated that my next blog post would be about this event as it is a significant event for my bowels. I had planned on posting a glowing review of the toilet's flush which can handle a good load and I had also planned on posting about my excitement about the fact that the old dear who lived in the house before me had a grab rail installed next to the toilet (did she have mobility issues or was she a fellow poo enthusiast who liked to really force one out). This is what I had planned on doing, however what occurred later that day was a tale of trauma and distress.


After lunch, the other (lesser) half and I went shopping for household essentials. After an hour or so of filling the shopping basket with non-essentials and useless tat we popped into the morrissons next door. I felt the usual urge and I thought I'd much prefer a dump than a trip round the supermarket so I ducked away and into the cubicles. If I had my time again, this is one of the decisions I would change. The toilet was a bit on the grotty side but overall an ok place to lay my faeces. I settled down with my phone and tried to get a new high score on crossy road whilst leisurely laying a cable.

Some time later I was done and I reached across to take a ticket only to find that there was only a single sheet of toilet paper left. My face dropped and I started to panic as I tried to think of elaborate ways to wipe my arse using the contents of the cubicle, it's time like this I wish I was in the A-team. In the end I made very economical use of the one remaining sheet of toilet paper using the wipe-fold-wipe-fold method with the sheet eventually being folded into eighths. I feel someone must be looking down on me because thankfully this was enough completely clean the area. The stress, however, was not over there.

As I finished wiping, I glanced around the cubicle and I saw a small poo sitting in the corner by the wall, obviously left there by the previous tenant. I was initially grossed out but the smell was not overpowering and i'm not squeamish so overall it didn't bother me because it was just sat there out of the way minding it's own business. What was bothering me however, was the fact that the toilet was getting quite busy and I knew the second I stepped out the cubicle, someone would want to go in and they might think it was me. I summoned some courage, flushed and left.

Leaving the cubicle I saw someone notice me and head straight for the cubicle, I walked in a way that would block his route just to  buy me an extra second "sorry" I said as he had to walk round me. I dashed to the sink and looked back nervously, he was in the cubicle but standing up with his back to the small package left in the corner. Result! he hadn't seen the rouge turd lying there, as I went to turn my head back to the sink I caught his eye, he looked at me with a disgusted look on his face "did something die in here" he remarked. Normally I take pride in such a comment but I couldn't take the credit for this one. If I was an honest man I would have replied "Oh that wasn't me, that's because there's a shit on the floor behind you" instead I nervously laughed and bolted out of the toilets.

I returned to my female unit who was browsing away and pathetically whimpered that I wanted to leave and wanted to leave now. I explained that I had a distressing time but we were not allowed to leave. After a while I was sufficiently cheered up by doing multiple power slides with the trolley. Many of you might think that I have learnt a lesson about pooing in a public toilet but I have not, I will continue to lay cables whenever and wherever the need strikes.

100) Century

Saturday 21st March 2015 was a hotly anticipated day for the last week. My regularity this month has allowed me to accurately predict when my 100th poo of the year was going to be.

I awoke after a long sleep and carried out my usual routine of staying in bed for most of Saturday morning watching TV. My show of choice is currently 'house' a programme I've been meaning to watch for some time. I sat in bed with a cup of tea and some toast and mid-morning the urge struck. I debated putting on my finest suit to walk to the toilet but decided on some tatty joggers.

The movement itself was extremely un-noteworthy just a bog-standard Saturday morning poo, no urgency, no pain, no great size, not liquid and even the wipeage required was very average. This disappointed me greatly. How could a landmark dump disappoint me so much. Instead I decided to make a memorial video to mark the occasion.

98) The benefits of being disabled.

A much needed day of annual leave caused disruption to the germanic efficiency of my bowel movements. A late morning combined with minimal caffeine meant that I missed my usual 10:30 slot. However, due to not being at work, this did not cause much heartache.

An afternoon of shopping with the other half was on the cards, which was made worse by the fact that the Hawkins bazar had closed down leaving me with nothing in the town. Around 3pm we sat down in Costa for a midshop break and I had a cup of tea which kickstarted the final stages of my digestive system. Approximately 20 mins later I had a delightful urge to take a relaxing dump in house of fraser. I jumped at the opportunity to get away from the onslaught of "this is nice" "does this suit me?" "Ooo what about this one?" and I scurried off to find some toilets. 

I found the rest rooms and had a choice between the gents and the disabled toilet. Naturally I choose the disabled toilet for a number of reasons, not least the fact that i felt that the mother-load I was about to drop would leave me at the very least walking with a limp but could also potentially leave me requiring a wheelchair.

My second reason for choosing the disabled toilets is that they have a handrail next to the toilet. Now the primary  purpose of these handrails is to aid mobility and help those with difficulty to get off the toilet. The secondary purpose (and the one i find most useful) is that it helps you push a particularly difficult movement out. Much like a woman holding their husbands hand during labour, you can grasp the rail and push with all your might.

The final reason behind choosing the disabled loo is that you get an entire room to yourself and can truly relax without having to listen to the sound of someone doing an extremely squelchy dump  less than 3ft away from you.

I emerged from the toilet about 10 minutes later having made a century break on pro snooker 2015 and also making a different type of break on my ring piece . The guy behind the till who saw me going in to the toilets gave me a look that suggested he knew what I'd been doing (maybe I'm being paranoid) but I was not ashamed. I walked with a stride of pride back down to the women's wear. I felt light like I was walking on air.

And the answer to how long does it take a woman to try on a single dress? Well I wrote 90% of the above post on my phone outside a changing room.

76) February round-up

February was a flurry of activity and despite having three less days in the month February still managed to produce the same amount of poos as January and even more impressive feat considering January included the infamously horrific new years day.

Drinking on the night of January 31st meant that the 1st of the month was a double day. Additionally on the Wednesday 4th I was in charge of a big audit which would enable us to get some fancy certification. Given the sheer amount of work which still needed to be done, I admit that the first 3 days of the week I had a nervous bowel. This led to a further 3 days of double dumping and in total I scored 2, four times in a row. Things settled down following the inspection and I began to find my rhythm again, although I was a lot more inconsistent than I was in January; ideally I would like to run with the same efficiency as the German train system.

My most consistent spell came between the 13th and the 22nd where  I had one a day on all days barring the 18th where I scored a double. Since the 23rd I have alternated between ones and twos

During the month of February there was two significant milestones. The first milestone was poop number 50 which occurred on foreign soil following a weekend of drinking and excessively deep fried food in glasgow. The second occurred on the 23rd when I was able to do number 69 of the year, it is with deep regret that I was not able to constipate myself for the remainder of the year.

The average for February was 1.36 PPD (poos per day) up 1.23PPD from January. For those interested in running a sweepstake my projected total is 470.1695 for the year. I assume the 0.1695 will be when I inevitably follow through one day.



Did you know? 
Despite having three less days in the month February had the same number of poos in it as January with both months scoring 38.

Did you know? (2) 
Nobody has yet to donate money to my google developers account so that I can publish my app.