214) Farewell to and old friend

Today marked the final day at my current job before going out into the big wide world and starting a big boy graduate trainee job. I have made a lot of friends at this place of work who I will miss a lot, however, the one friend I will miss the most is the middle floor mens toilet. On a daily basis I have sought sanctuary in this mini-version of heaven. My mornings feel incomplete if I have not visited this cubicle.

To demonstrate why I love this toilet so much I have attached a couple of photos.

As you can see the cubicle is it's own room within a room, seemingly cut off from the rest of the world. It's a mens only cubilce and given that there is usually a maximum of 4-5 men in the building, it was a place I could go undisturbed for a good 15mins. When I sat in here nothing else mattered, if my work load was piling up and things were getting stressed I could take a break, unload and kick back for 5. This cubicle was like a best friend. In the coming weeks I will have to find a new cubicle, I will some how have to communicate to my new colleagues that this cubicle is mine at around 10:30 in the morning, but I will have to communicate this without damaging my "professional" image.

I have done 214 poos this year and a good number of them have been in this cubicle, you will be missed my friend. Thanks for putting up with all my shit.

My last poo :(

EXCITING NEWS

A friend of mine has gone to Peru for two weeks to do the Inca trail. Throughout the two weeks he will be keeping note of his bowel movements and will be writing a guest blog for Tales From the Rim

LONDON BABY

The  last bank holiday weekend for a couple of months saw me and the other half take a weekend trip to London. I'd like to start with a shout out to Penrith train station for their outstanding number two facilities. I nipped in for a quick pre-train pee and I couldn't help noticing the cubicles, they were nicely decorated spacious and clean it would have been an honor to lay a cable there and a little part of me was left upset that I didn't have one prepped and ready to go.

The train journey down left me feeling a little travel sick, my stomach was left rattled and I was sure I would need to go once I arrived in London, alas, when we got to the hotel I was clogged up, something which regularly happens when I travel.

Saturday night came round and there had still been no movement since Friday morning. We had dinner from an Indian food festival followed by a couple of drinks, this would either make me need to go or it would pile more food into the already quite interesting cocktail of foods sitting in my stomach. I awoke Sunday morning. Still no urge. It had been 48 hours since I last went, I wondered if I would ever poo again. We upped and left the hotel to do the usual London sights, Picadilly circus, Leicester Square followed by Covent Garden.

52 hours and still nothing  had appeared. If my bowel movements were a missing child  the whole neighborhood would be out searching for it. We sat down at Itsu for a raw fish sushi lunch, 'this should make things interesting', I thought. This started something, the urge hit me in M&M world two hours later, I suddenly became irritable and frustrated and was on the look out for a toilet.

54 hours after my last movement I sat down and relaxed. I gave birth to a monster. When a ship sets sail on it's maiden voyage, superstition dictates that a bottle of champagne is smashed against side of the ship. I felt this would have been a fitting tribute to what I had created but to my dismay I didn't have a bottle of champagne to hand. I sat back, glowing, in a post orgasmic state that is normally attributed to 1minute 36 seconds on pornhub. I felt like a new man, I had a new lease of life.

Like a bus, you wait ages for one and then two come along at once. We were back at the hotel and decided to take a trip to the 27th floor to see the views of London. As we looked towards Stamford bridge, I got the worst cramps in the world, I demanded we go back to room immediately. Usually when I'm desperate I'm very good at holding it in but not this time. I knew that I would not be able to hold this back. We rushed back to the room, never has an elevator taken so long to arrive. When we eventually got in I watched as the numbers slowly counted down from 27 to 9, hoping, praying that no one on the other floors had called for the lift. As it hit 9 I bolted out the lift, into the room and threw myself onto the toilet where a type 7 fell out of me. The remains of the previous nights Bombay special created a burning ring of fire. Cramp after cramp, wave after wave I sat on the toilet for a good 10 minutes suffering from the midday sushi. Thankfully this episode was a one off as opposed to a crippling illness which would have seen me running from toilet to toilet for the rest if the weekend. 

Monday morning came round without further incident. I had my usual morning poo before checking out of the hotel and heading for Wembley for the Boro vs Norwich play off final. It was in the first pub of the day where I felt that I could do with a poo, however, the pub was rammed there was no way I'd be able to do one.  I decided to wait. The whole  day we went from pub to pub but the toilets were so rammed it was hard to take a leak let alone something more solid. I wasn't desperate and the need wasn't urgent but I grew increasingly frustrated at the inability to unload. It wasn't until 7 hours later after the match that I was able to release. At last I was able to relax for the long drive home.

152) Aprils Round Up

When I started this blog I was still living with my parents and working in a deadend job. Now I have my own place and landed myself a decent graduate job. As I left the interview centre on 30th April I thought to myself "I've done it, I have my own place and a half decent career path, I'm a grown up" This thought was quickly brushed aside by the realisation that it was the end of the month and I would need to tally up my turds for the month. Don't worry people I'm not ready to grow up yet, I may now discuss gardening tips with family friends, I may discuss tips for the perfect meatball sauce with the ladies at work but I still have a very large place in my heart for my bowel movements.

April was a big month with 41 poos over the 30 day period which is an average of 1.36PPD - the highest of every month. The consistency of March was a massive contrast to the erratic month of April. Where March saw an 8 & a 7 day streak of singles, Aprils best was 3 single poo days in a row. Additionally, on two occassions in April I hit a total of 3 poos in a day. I recall feeling unwell between the 20th and the 22nd and this was reflected in my bowel movements and I notched up 2-3-2 over the 3 days.

This month contained a lot of birthdays (mine included), the first month living in my own house (and thus being able to walk to the pub) and an interview process so it is not surprising that I have been inconsistent and frequent. Here's hoping normal service is resumed in May.


Did you know? 
Despite having a job interview and a history of a nervous stomach I only defecated once on April 30th.

155) Start as you mean to go on.

I have recently applied for and been interviewed for a new job. The most recent round was little over a week ago. Suffice to say I was extremely nervous beforehand. I caught the early train and the nerves began to kick in, the blender in my bowels was in full swing. At Preston station I made straight for the toilets and unleashed an Armageddon. It was extremely satisfying and stress relieving but that is not the main focus of this post, more a small anecdote to start the day.

Tuesday morning back at the office and I was cracking on with a mundane spreadsheet that had been waiting for me following the bank holiday weekend. I noticed a missed call and a voice mail, it was the recruitment team wanting to discuss my interview. Unable to focus on my work I went to ring them back, I couldn't find anywhere discrete to make the call - I was very keen not to let anyone at work know I'd applied for a job until I'd got it. After a quick wander round the building to try and find somewhere quiet, I abandoned the idea of calling them back and decided to go for a belated morning dump. After dropping the kids off at the pool, I was well into my post-movement browsing when I suddenly realised this was the perfect place. It was quiet, there was good signal and if it was good news I could share it with my one true love, my porcelain princess.

"......and so on that basis we'd like to offer you the job", relief came over me and I suddenly zoned back into the room to realise I was talking to my future employer with an unwiped arse and my pants wrapped round my ankles. They were non the wiser. As the phone call drew to a close I suddenly realised that I would have to say goodbye to a lot of friends but worst of all I would have to say goodbye to the toilet. This toilet is the best toilet I have ever known, it's not a cubicle, it is it's own room nestled away in the building. The low ratio of men to women mean that it is barely used other than by me. The toilet at my new place of work will have a lot to live up to. The salary of my new job will be much higher but it will be hollow and meaningless if the toilet is not up to scratch. Here's hoping.

111) March Month End

Due to moving house the March update is coming a little later than usual. Moving house can be full tricky and annoying situations especially where half your stuff is at your new house and the other half is still at your parents house. For just over a week my poo chart was on the fridge at my parents house whilst I was laying cables at the new abode. I struggled through, marking off a couple of days at a time when I went to collect stuff out of my old room.

March was a very consistent month, my most consistent this year. Averaging 1.12 PPD (poos per day) I hit one a day on a consistent basis for most of the month. As with the previous two months I started the month off with a multipoo day by registering a double on the scoreboard. Out of the next 16 days, 15 were single poo days. In total only 6 out the 31 days were anything other than single poo days and only a single 0 was recorded. As stated March was a month of incredible consistency getting tantalisingly close to the holy grail which is the average of 1PPD. However despite regularly going once a day I noticed that the timings have lost their predictability, I rarely go at 10:30 any more, sometimes I am forced to go before work which I find deeply upsetting, although I feel this gives me justification to turn up 10mins late to work.


An update on the app, I think I will be getting a developer account soon so the app will be available to all android users (get bent apple). Additionally I have started work on a new app which will help you to calculate how much you earn by pooing at work.

111) Trauma

I am currently in the process of moving house and for my 110th poo of the year I christened the new toilet. I had anticipated that my next blog post would be about this event as it is a significant event for my bowels. I had planned on posting a glowing review of the toilet's flush which can handle a good load and I had also planned on posting about my excitement about the fact that the old dear who lived in the house before me had a grab rail installed next to the toilet (did she have mobility issues or was she a fellow poo enthusiast who liked to really force one out). This is what I had planned on doing, however what occurred later that day was a tale of trauma and distress.


After lunch, the other (lesser) half and I went shopping for household essentials. After an hour or so of filling the shopping basket with non-essentials and useless tat we popped into the morrissons next door. I felt the usual urge and I thought I'd much prefer a dump than a trip round the supermarket so I ducked away and into the cubicles. If I had my time again, this is one of the decisions I would change. The toilet was a bit on the grotty side but overall an ok place to lay my faeces. I settled down with my phone and tried to get a new high score on crossy road whilst leisurely laying a cable.

Some time later I was done and I reached across to take a ticket only to find that there was only a single sheet of toilet paper left. My face dropped and I started to panic as I tried to think of elaborate ways to wipe my arse using the contents of the cubicle, it's time like this I wish I was in the A-team. In the end I made very economical use of the one remaining sheet of toilet paper using the wipe-fold-wipe-fold method with the sheet eventually being folded into eighths. I feel someone must be looking down on me because thankfully this was enough completely clean the area. The stress, however, was not over there.

As I finished wiping, I glanced around the cubicle and I saw a small poo sitting in the corner by the wall, obviously left there by the previous tenant. I was initially grossed out but the smell was not overpowering and i'm not squeamish so overall it didn't bother me because it was just sat there out of the way minding it's own business. What was bothering me however, was the fact that the toilet was getting quite busy and I knew the second I stepped out the cubicle, someone would want to go in and they might think it was me. I summoned some courage, flushed and left.

Leaving the cubicle I saw someone notice me and head straight for the cubicle, I walked in a way that would block his route just to  buy me an extra second "sorry" I said as he had to walk round me. I dashed to the sink and looked back nervously, he was in the cubicle but standing up with his back to the small package left in the corner. Result! he hadn't seen the rouge turd lying there, as I went to turn my head back to the sink I caught his eye, he looked at me with a disgusted look on his face "did something die in here" he remarked. Normally I take pride in such a comment but I couldn't take the credit for this one. If I was an honest man I would have replied "Oh that wasn't me, that's because there's a shit on the floor behind you" instead I nervously laughed and bolted out of the toilets.

I returned to my female unit who was browsing away and pathetically whimpered that I wanted to leave and wanted to leave now. I explained that I had a distressing time but we were not allowed to leave. After a while I was sufficiently cheered up by doing multiple power slides with the trolley. Many of you might think that I have learnt a lesson about pooing in a public toilet but I have not, I will continue to lay cables whenever and wherever the need strikes.